Bohemian Bar Mitzvah
by All-Knowing-Oracle
Summary: Mark has been called back to Scarsdale to teach a group of kids in Hebrew school...and he's taking his friends with him!
1. Chapter 1

_**Bohemian Bar Mitzvah**_

**Chapter One**

"_SPEAK_."

"Hello, this is Lorraine Himmelfarb, I'm calling for Mark Cohen-"

"MARK! IT'S FOR YOU!"

"Huh?"

"IT'S FOR YOU!"

"What is?"

"The phone."

"...when did the phone ring?"

"Just now. The lady is looking for you."

"You answered it?"

"No, she's on the answering machine."

"Oh! Well why didn't you tell me!"

"I just did."Mark quickly ran across the loft, snatching the phone just before Lorraine hung up. "Hi! Yes, this is Mark. Oh, right, hi Lorraine. Yeah. Uh huh. Wait...what? Uh, no, no you must have the wrong person, I–no, really! I couldn't...I _really_ couldn't! I–no. Well...no. I just...what? No! Stop! Wait! I--"Mark sighed, as Lorraine obviously hung up on him. He sighed, slamming the phone down.

"Well that's not a very happy face,"Roger commented as he got up from the couch.

"Guess who's going back to Scarsdale this weekend?"Mark snapped. Roger frowned.

"Why do you have to go back there? Is it your family?"Roger guessed.

"No...the temple wants me to talk to a group of kids in the Hebrew class about making their Bar Mitzvah,"Mark explained.

"Whoa, you had one of those things?"Roger asked.

"Yeah, of course,"Mark replied.

"No way! Don't you get like, a ton of money from those?"Roger asked.

"Yeah. And it all went towards the college education I never bothered to get,"Mark sighed. Roger laughed.

"That's sucks,"he commented. "So, I guess we'll be Mark-less this weekend, huh?"

"_What?_"The two men turned to see Maureen Johnson, Tom Collins and Angel-Dumott Schunard in the doorway.

"Don't you knock?"Roger snapped at his friends, as he walked back over to the couch.

"Here? _Please_,"Collins snorted.

"So what is this I heard about us being Mark-less this weekend?"Angel asked.

"I have to go back to Scarsdale. It's just a weekend, I'll be back in about a day and a half or so,"Mark replied.

"What the heck do you have to do in that hick town?"Maureen asked, strutting into the loft casually, sitting down as if it were her own house.

"I'm teaching Hebrew class,"Mark sighed, rather sarcastically. Collins burst out laughing.

"_You_!"he cried. "_You're_ gonna _teach?_"

"Aw, don't listen to him Marky! I think it's great that you're going to be teaching kids all about...Hebrew-ness!"Maureen said, attempting to sound polite.

"...Mark's Jewish?"Angel asked, frowning.

"Yeah, well, I was pretty much forced into this. It's not my choice,"Mark sighed. "So I've gotta head down there Friday night for some Saturday morning meeting..."

"Well, good luck with that, Mark. Hope you come home alive,"Roger teased.

"_You're_ gonna _teach?_"Collins continued to howl.

"Look, I know I can't talk to kids! You don't have to rub it in..."Mark muttered miserably.

"You wanna know what I think?"Maureen asked suddenly, standing up.

"Not really,"Roger admitted. Maureen ignored him, walking over and slinging her arm around Mark's neck.

"I think we should all go down and help Mark!"she announced. The whole room went silent.

"...did I just hear you correctly?"Roger asked.

"Come on! He's never taught before, and he's not exactly the coolest of people. These kids would eat him alive!"Maureen continued. Mark frowned.

"Gee, _thanks_ for that vote of confidence, Maureen..."

"Collins, you're a teacher! You know how to handle kids. And Joanne is great with all these kinds of things, she's such a control freak. And Angel...everyone loves you! And Mimi's closer to their age, she'll get them. And _I_ happen to be very entertaining! And Roger...well... Roger plays the guitar!"Maureen explained.

"Your point?"Roger demanded.

"You know, it's really not such a bad idea,"Angel commented. "I think it could be kind of fun!"

"You have _got_ to be kidding me..."Roger grumbled.

"Hey, if Mark doesn't mind, I'm all for it,"Collins said.

"Really? You guys don't mind helping me with this?"Mark asked, looking relieved.

"Of course not Mark! I think we _all_ really owe you one for _everything_ you've done for us over the years,"Maureen said, shooting Roger a dangerous look. Roger sighed. Now he was trapped.

"...okay! Fine! We'll go help Mark teach the little jerks how to be Jewish!"he muttered.

"Good boy!"Maureen said, patting Roger's head as he scowled at her with utter contempt.

"Wow...thanks a lot you guys!"Mark said, suddenly happy again.

"Any time, Mark,"Angel said kindly. "So...since when have you been Jewish?"

* * *

**Okay, I know I said I would be taking a break from writing...but then I had this idea and I had to get it started before I lost it! It's gonna be a short one, definitely funny. But just so everyone knows, I'm NOT picking on Jewish people. Lots of my friends are Jewish(and I've been mistaken for being Jewish)so I would never DREAM of picking on Jewish people. It's mostly picking on Maureen's lack of knowledge about Jewish people...not to mention Angel's and Mimi's and Roger's as well...haha! Hope you'll enjoy.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

"So...here we are."Mark, Maureen, Joanne and Roger all climbed out of a taxi cab. Collins, Angel and Mimi had taken another cab, but they had lost them somewhere on the highway. Mark looked down the street frantically as Joanne paid the cab driver.

"Where are they? Do you think they'll be here soon?"he asked, looking around.

"Who cares? They'll get here eventually,"Maureen shrugged.

"Maybe we should wait for them..."Mark began. Suddenly a short, stout little woman with curly dark hair, big glasses and a strange, colorful outfit came dashing out of the Scarsdale Hebrew School.

"MARK!"she screamed, rushing over. Mark turned around just in time for her to wrap her arms around him. He looked down at her, horrified.

"Uh...hi,"he said awkwardly. The woman pulled away.

"Mark, thank goodness you're here! We thought you weren't going to show up!"the woman cried. Mark frowned.

"We're only five minutes late,"he pointed out.

"That's five minutes of class the kids are missing!"the woman shrieked. Then she sighed, smiling at Mark. "Oh, you've grown up so much, Mark honey! Do you even remember me?" Mark stared at the strange woman.

"Can't say that I do,"he admitted.

"_Lorraine_!"the woman announced.

"Oh! Right, of course...Lorraine. Uh...nice to see you again,"Mark said.

"Oh, it's been _too_ long!"Lorraine agreed. "You remember my daughter, Nanette, don't you?"She grinned, and Mark forced an awkward smile.

"Yes...yes, I do..."he said.

"You two were _so_ cute!"Lorraine said, pinching Mark's cheek. Roger had to turn away so as not to burst out laughing, and Maureen giggled. That's when Lorraine first acknowledged the others.

"Oh! And who are they?"she asked Mark.

"That's-"

"I'm Maureen Johnson!"Maureen introduced. "And this is my-"

"..._lawyer_. Joanne Jefferson,"Joanne finished, shooting Maureen a look.

"And that ass hole is Roger Davis,"Maureen added, motioning to Roger, who glared at her. Lorraine looked at them all, confused.

"Well that's wonderful...why are you here?"she asked.

"These are my friends from back home,"Mark explained quickly. "They wanted to help me teach the class today."

"They're Jewish?"Lorraine asked, eyeing Joanne curiously.

"Well, no. But...they're all _very_ familiar with the religion. And they're very good teachers. Maureen's great with kids, and Joanne's really helpful. And...Roger plays the guitar," Mark said lamely. Lorraine seemed to accept this idea.

"All right then! Come in, all of you! The children are waiting!"she said, ushering the four friends into the building. "There's ten of them, six boys and four girls..."

"Wait! There's _girls_?"Mark asked suddenly. "I thought this was just a class about _Bar_ Mitzvah's!"

"Oh, well it was going to be. But we only have four girls, and we wanted to get their class done as well, so it's Bar and Bat Mitzvah class! Luckily you have your two friends here to help you,"Lorraine said, smiling at Maureen and Joanne.

"Yeah...lucky me..."Mark moaned.

"Now, I want you to talk to them about what it means to have a Bar, and Bat, Mitzvah, Mark. Tell them just how important it is to become a part of the Jewish community! Now go on."And with that, Lorraine shoved Mark into the classroom. Maureen, Joanne and Roger all followed him inside, Maureen shoving Mark further into the room.

There sat ten kids, all of about 12 or 13. Four girls sat in the front of the class, looking very perky and excited. The six boys were all sitting towards the back, looking tired and as if they'd rather be anywhere else in the world. They all stared at Mark, Roger, Maureen and Joanne for a minute.

"...which one of you is the teacher?"one boy finally asked.

"Oh! That's me,"Mark said suddenly. "My name is Mark Cohen."

"Who're they?"one of the girls asked.

"Oh, uh...these are my friends-"

"Hi kids, I'm Maureen!"Maureen interrupted. "And this is Joanne, my girlfr-"

"_Lawyer_!"Joanne snapped, glaring at Maureen. The kids all frowned.

"Do you usually bring your lawyers places with you?"one girl asked.

"Oh yeah, we're very close,"Maureen said, wrapping her arm around Joanne and giggling.

"Who're you?"one kid asked Roger, who was leaning against the door, looking bored out of his mind already. Roger frowned at the kid.

"What's it to you?"he snapped.

"_Roger_!"Mark scolded. "This is my friend, Roger."

"He plays the guitar!"Maureen added happily. The four girls were all very excited to see Roger, and kept giggling and pointing at him as he began bashing his head into the wall.

"Shoot me now..."he muttered.

"Roger, stop being an ass,"Mark hissed. "Go...play that guitar you're famous for."Roger sighed, picking up his guitar.

"Gladly,"he said, as he walked to the back of the class. Mark turned to the kids.

"So er...we're here to talk to you about making your Bar...and Bat Mitzvah's,"Mark began, jamming his hands into his pockets nervously. Maureen was walking around playing with all sorts of things, as Joanne eyed the entire class as if they were a bunch of little delinquents.

"Okay...so, who knows what a Bar Mitzvah means?"Mark asked. All four of the girl's hands shot up anxiously.

"It means you're a man!"Maureen called from across the room. Mark sighed, as all the girls sadly put their hands back down.

"I wasn't asking _you_, Maureen,"he pointed out.

"Well, _they_ weren't gonna answer you,"Maureen replied, motioning to all the boys, who were laughing dumbly as one stuck pencils up his nose. "Look Mark, you're doing this all wrong. We need to get to know each other first!"

"How?"Mark asked. Maureen came up to the front of the class, grinning at them all.

"We're going to go around the class and everybody is going to tell us their name,"she explained. "Starting with you."She pointed to the boy with the pencils in his nose. He quickly pulled them out.

"Uh...I'm Jay."

"Larry."

"John."

"Porter."

"Harry."

"Tim."

"Sarah."

"I'm Jen."

"Laura."

"And I'm Julia."

"Okay, good!"Maureen cried, as Mark squirmed, having the strange feeling that he was at a life support meeting. "Go ahead, Marky, they're all yours!"Mark paused, hardly remembering any of their names already.

"Um...okay. So I thought we'd start by going over why you're all here. Harry-"

"I'm Larry."

"Oh. Sorry. Larry...why are you here?"

"Because Sam's here."

"Oh, right, I–wait, there's no one named Sam here!"

"That's Porter's name."

"Isn't Porter's name...Porter?"

"That's my last name. I like being called Porter instead of Sam."

"Okay, I won't argue. So Porter...why are _you_ here?"

"Because my parents are making my do this."

"You mean...you don't want to make your Bar Mitzvah?"

"No."Mark sighed.

"Okay, well then we should probably-"

"Mark! I have a question!"One of the girls(Mark was fairly sure it was Julia)was raising her hand.

"Uh, yeah?"he asked, pointing at her.

"Is Roger single?"

"Julia, that's not what we're here to discuss-"All the other girls had their backs turned to Mark, gazing at Roger as he played his guitar, looking miserable. Mark sighed. He needed to get their attention...

"Hey Roger! You wanna sit in the front of the class?"

* * *

**Hey, if Roger were sitting in the back of MY class, I know where I'd be looking!(Though some people don't agree, Pools...lol)So anyways, Collins, Angel and Mimi will arrive in the next chapter, just before the kids drive Mark up the walls. I mean, c'mon...you've got some nerdy guy teaching your class, you're gonna pick on him mercilessly, right? O:-)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"Hey! Larry, sit down!"

"I'm Harry."

"...whoever you are, please sit down!"

"But John took my pencil!"

"John, give Larry-er, _Harry _back his pencil."

"I didn't take his pencil!"

"Then Harry, sit down."

"But John DOES have my pencil! He's lying!"

"I am not!"

"Look, you don't even _need_ a pencil anyways, so just sit down!"

"Uh, Mark..."Mark turned to see Roger, flanked by the four girls, as they sat around him, gazing at him. He was practically backed into a wall.

"Girls! Come back to your seats and leave Roger alone!"Mark cried. The girls all pouted sadly as they returned to their seats.

"Mark!"

"Yes Julia?"

"John just hit me with his pencil!"

"It's MY pencil!"

"It is not!"

"Stop throwing things at me!"

"GUYS!"Mark cried frantically. "John, stop stealing things!...and don't throw your stolen things at Julia!"

"Mark!"

"_Yes Julia_!"

"We haven't talked much about Bat Mitzvah's. Are you being sexist just because you had a _Bar_ Mitzvah?"

"No! I'm not being sexist! We haven't talked about _Bar_ Mitzvah's either! _We haven't talked about anything yet_!"

"Dude, check it out!"All the boys were completely turned around in their seats...to look at Maureen and Joanne, who were making out in the corner. The girls all gasped.

"My father doesn't approve of homosexual relationships!"Sarah screeched.

"MAUREEN! JOANNE!"Mark screamed, running over quickly and pulled them off of each other.

"Oops! Sorry Marky, we got a little carried away..."Maureen said, giggling.

"Whoa! We never get teachers like THAT here!"Porter commented.

"Er...go back to your work!"Mark commanded.

"What work? You haven't given us anything to do yet,"Tim pointed out.

"I...uh...write about your temple,"Mark invented.

"I can't, John has my pencil!"

"I do not!"Mark sighed.

"Look, just...share the pencil!"He turned back to the front...where all the girls had surrounded a very angry-looking Roger again.

"_Mark_..."he growled.

"GIRLS! Please keep away from the angry rock star! He's not very personable, and he _will_ bite if you get too close!"Mark warned, running back over.

"Can we touch him?"Jen asked.

"NO!"Mark shouted. "BACK TO YOUR SEATS!"The girls all quickly ran back to their seats...just as the boys all jumped up to watch John and Harry, who had started a fist fight.

"Oh God...boys! Please! Stop!"Mark shrieked, running across the room yet again. "Hey! Get off him! John, stop that! Boys! Please! STOP!"Mark danced around the fight, screaming frantically.

"Look Mark, you're not gonna get 'em to stop by prancing around like that!"Joanne snapped, shoving Mark aside...and diving right into the middle of the fight. She grabbed John by the arms, holding them behind his back as he struggled to break away.

"Mark! Grab the other one!"Joanne ordered. Mark quickly grabbed Harry, who was clawing at John viciously.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"All the other boys were chanting.

"_No_! _Don't fight_!"Mark was pleading miserably as he tried to hold back Harry.

"Roger! Are you single?"

"How old are you?"

"Do you have a car?"

"_Mark_!"

"_Roger_!"

"_Maureen_!"

"ANGEL!"Everyone stopped at the sound of a fourth adult voice. Mark, Roger, Joanne and Maureen all whirled around, and the kids froze where they were, as Collins and Mimi entered the room...followed by Angel, in her complete ensemble.

All noise in the class stopped immediately. All the kid's jaws dropped, except Porter, who actually fell out of his seat.

"Hey there kids!"Angel greeted, grinning and waving.

"Whoa,"John uttered. He and Harry completely forgot about the pencil fight, and Mark and Joanne let them go.

"Well...I see you're having a bit of trouble,"Collins commented.

"Who, us? Not at all..."Mark muttered. Collins laughed.

"Don't worry Mark, we're here to help!"he assured his friend. "Why don't you all take a seat?"All the kids sat down quickly and quietly, still gaping at Angel as she sat down beside the boys, who edged away slightly.

"Everyone...this is my friend, Tom Collins. He's a professor,"Mark explained, running to the front of the room to stand beside Collins. "And he's _really_ going to be helping me teach the class today!"

"Who's that then?"Julia asked, pointing at Angel.

"That's...Angel,"Mark replied, unable to come up with a better word to describe Angel at the moment. Maureen had joined them now.

"Oh God, just WAIT until you guys meet Angel!"she said excitedly.

"Is he gay?"Sarah asked. Maureen snorted.

"Was Jesus Catholic?"she replied, attempting to make an analogy.

"...no. Jesus was Jewish,"Sarah corrected. Maureen froze, as Mark slapped his hand to his forehead.

"Oh...I knew that!"Maureen insisted. "I was just kidding! Haha!"All the kids just sat there, staring at her blankly as she laughed insanely at her own screw up.

"Maureen...uh, Maureen...just...stop,"Mark finally said, putting a hand on her shoulder and pushing her away.

"Hey babe,"Mimi greeted, sitting right down on Roger's lap and kissing him.

"_Awww_!"Mimi frowned as all the girls exchanged miserable expressions.

"Looks like you've got yourself a fan club, huh?"she teased. Roger rolled his eyes.

"More like a cult..."

"Hey! What's your name?"Angel asked Jay, who was sitting beside her.

"Uh...er...um...Jay,"he squeaked.

"Have you been good to Mark so far, Jay?"Angel asked. Jay nodded frantically. Angel smiled.

"Good! Let's keep it that way! I'd hate for things to get ugly."And with that, she pulled out her compact and began fixing her lipstick.

Collins and Mark finally began teaching the actual class. But they were still having trouble with the kid's names...

"I just can't keep them straight! I mean, who's idea was it to put a Harry and a Larry in the same class!"Mark demanded.

"You know, I think I have an idea,"Mimi said suddenly. She got up, grabbing a roll of tape...

Ten minutes later, each kid had their name taped to their chest.

"We have to wear name tags?"Porter whined.

"Yeah. Blame your parents for naming you!"Mimi retorted. And she walked away. Collins turned to the class happily, clapping his hands together.

"Okay! So, who's ready for some Old Testament?"

* * *

**Hey, thanks for all your comments and reviews! I finally got some criticism too!(always healthy, you never want all compliments)I'm sorry if this chapter was kind of repetitive, but I've had SUCH a long week, and I'm exhausted. But I wanted to get this chapter up before the weekend, because I'm completely swamped all weekend too! So here it is. I promise the next one will be better!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**Hey guys! Thanks for keeping your comments and ideas coming, I really appreciate it! I've been getting a lot of comments about the little thing I had about Lorraine not believing Joanne was Jewish, so I just want everyone to understand that I DO realize that Joanne could be Jewish. I wasn't saying that it was impossible, but it's not the most likely of situations. At least not where I'm from! So, I'm sorry for that comment, I didn't mean to offend anyone, and I will gladly go back and take it out if anyone wants me to!**

"...and then Moses parted the sea-"

"Excuse me? Collins?"Collins looked up from his notes on the Old Testament to see Julia, who seemed to be the official spokesperson of the class, raising her hand.

"Uh, yes Julia?"Collins asked.

"Why are you telling us this?"Julia asked. Collins frowned.

"It's part of your religion..."he began.

"Yeah, we _know_ this already,"Julia snapped back. "They've only been teaching it to us since we were _born_."Collins frowned at Julia.

"Well I just thought it was _necessary _for us to go over..."he replied, teeth barred, trying not to get too angry at the thirteen year-old.

"I don't see why it's so necessary. Shouldn't we be doing something useful, like actually practicing our Hebrew?"Julia continued, staring Collins down. Collins scowled at her.

"Would you like to teach this class, Julia?"he snapped.

"Gladly,"Julia answered, much to Collins's surprise.

"Well...too bad!"he snapped back lamely.

"What kind of professor are you?"Julia asked. "You're not very good at keeping people's attention."Julia pointed at Angel, who was asleep on her desk after an hour of Collins's talk, and then at Mark, who was slumped against the wall looking as if he were about to nod off at any moment. He quickly jumped up when he saw Collins glaring at him furiously.

"Uh, Collins, I think the kids have had enough Old Testament for one day,"he said.

"Thank God..."Julia muttered, shooting Collins a nasty look, which he returned.

"Mark, that little girl over there has a serious attitude!"Collins grumbled to Mark.

"Who? Julia? Yeah, tell me about it,"he snorted.

"You mean you're just going to allow her be rude like that?"Collins demanded, shocked at Mark's lack of concern.

"I'm not going to fight with a thirteen-year-old,"Mark replied.

"She's no thirteen-year-old! She's...Satan in a little girl's body!"Collins growled.

"Don't talk like that in religious class,"Mark scolded. And he turned his back to Collins, facing the kids. "Okay everybody, let's all thank Collins for his time and his, er..._fascinating _stories!"Only Laura and Jen bothered to mutter 'Thank you Collins' boredly. All the others just stared dumbly, and Julia scowled.

* * *

"Roger...your cult is giving me death glares,"Mimi whispered to Roger. Sure enough, Sarah, Laura and Jen were all staring at Mimi with deadly frowns plastered to their faces, as she stroked Roger's hair.

"Huh? Oh. They're just jealous,"Roger shrugged.

"Well it's kind of creeping me out,"Mimi admitted.

"Mimi, come on. They're twelve years old,"Roger snorted.

"_Thirteen_, Roger! There's a difference. Thirteen year olds are much more vicious,"Mimi insisted.

"Calm down, they're in a temple, they won't attack you,"Roger assured her.

"Fine...but if I'm jumped by a bunch of seventh graders after this, we are SO over!"

* * *

"Angel!"Collins kicked Angel's desk angrily. Angel sat up immediately, rubbing her eyes and grinning at Collins.

"Oh! Hi honey! Great talk!"she said cheerily. Collins frowned at her.

"You were asleep,"he pointed out.

"Who? Me? No! I was listening the _whole_..."Angel trailed off, realizing that Collins was not buying a word of what she was saying. "Okay, maybe not the WHOLE thing..."Collins grinned, laughing a little as he bent down and kissed Angel. Jay watched them, jaw dropped.

"Whoa...are you guys _together_?"he asked.

"How could you tell?"Angel teased.

"I–you–whoa,"was all the boy seemed able to get out, much to Collins and Angel's amusement.

* * *

"Mark!"Mark cringed at the sound of Julia calling out his name again. He slowly turned to face her, forcing a smile.

"Yes Julia?"he asked, trying not to sound annoyed.

"Are we actually going to be _learning _anything today? Because my father will not be pleased if I come out of this class having learned _nothing_,"Julia threatened.

"Of course we're going to learn things, _Julia_,"Mark replied, resisting the urge to slap her. Julia stared at him expectantly.

"_Well_? Start teaching,"she commanded. Mark stared back, though there was no doubt Julia's stare was far creepier. Mark clenched his fists, and grabbed one of the Hebrew scriptures laying out on a desk. "Everyone get your pens and pencils! We're learning Hebrew!"

* * *

Maureen stopped at the sound of Mark speaking in a language she had never heard before. She turned to him, watching as he babbled on and on, reading from the scripture as the kids translated on their papers. She walked over, listening more.

"Since when do you speak Spanish?"she asked. Mark stopped, frowning at her.

"_Hebrew_, Maureen,"he corrected. "And I don't really _speak_ it. I mean, I know it from when I was in Hebrew school, and I had to read a passage at my Bar Mitzvah..."

"I would consider that speaking it, Mark,"Maureen teased. "How come you never told me?"

"You never asked,"Mark replied. "What's so great about it, anyways?"

"It's cute the way you talk like that,"Maureen insisted. "The way you say those _ch_ noises...it's kind of hot."Mark stared at Maureen.

"Wow...Hebrew is a turn-on for you. Wish I'd known that when we were dating,"he joked.

"Excuse me, Mark? Will you actually be finishing this scripture, or just flirting with your little lesbian friend?"Julia snapped. Mark let out a deep breath, struggling to stop himself from running across the room and just strangling Julia.

"I'll be finishing it, Julia..."he replied, turning back to face the kids. Maureen pulled up a chair, sitting down beside Mark as he continued to read. Mark rolled his eyes, and tried his hardest to ignore the fact that his Hebrew reading was probably making Maureen horny.

* * *

"Okay...let's all take a short lunch-break here,"Mark said, as he finished the scripture. All the kids seemed to like this idea, all getting up and going to get their lunches. Julia marched right up to Mark.

"Could you please check my translation right now?"she asked, holding her paper out to Mark.

"Julia, it's lunch-break..."Mark began.

"I want to know what I got wrong so I can start studying for after break,"Julia insisted.

"We're not having a quiz, you don't have to study-"

"_Check it, please_,"Julia growled, giving Mark the most Satanic look he had ever seen on a little girl since the Exorcist. He shuddered a little, taking her paper and going over to a desk with it. Julia followed him, leaning over him as he began to correct her paper. Mark frowned.

"Are you going to stand over me like that the whole time?"he asked. Julia just glared at him, and Mark continued to correct her paper without another word...

* * *

"Can we eat lunch here, Roger?"The other three girls had all gathered around Roger and Mimi with their lunches.

"No,"Roger replied. The girls just giggled as they sat down around Roger, opening their lunches. Mimi squirmed uncomfortably as all the girls glared at her as they jammed their straws into their little juice boxes.

"Umm...I'm going to go see what Angel's doing!"she announced, quickly walking away from the girls.

"_Mimi_! Don't leave me!"Roger moaned after her. But she was already halfway across the room. Roger sighed as they girls all giggled rather evilly.

"What do you _want_?"he demanded, sneering at the girls. They seemed to love this.

"Will you play us a song?"

"No."

"Can we touch your hair?"

"No!"

"Can we sit here for the rest of class?"

"NO!"

"I'll give you the other half of my turkey sandwich if you let us stay here."Roger paused. Now food was involved. They had trapped him.

"...fine. I'll take the sandwich."

* * *

"Pookie?"Joanne looked up from the legal papers she had brought with her to work on. Maureen was standing there, with her famous pout.

"Yeah, honey bear?"she asked.

"Have you ever learned Hebrew, by any chance?"Maureen asked, sitting down beside Joanne. Joanne laughed a little.

"No. I was raised as a Catholic,"she replied. "Why do you ask?"Maureen grinned a playful sort of grin that she only got when something incredibly dirty was going through her mind.

"I think you should learn."

* * *

**The kids are finally learning something!...sort of. Okay, next chapter will probably be the last so I can put this pathetic story out of its misery. The last chapter will actually have a lesson though!...or at least something remotely meaningful that Mark can teach the kids. I PROMISE THIS WILL ALL HAVE A POINT IN THE END!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

"Okay everyone! Lunch break is over!"Mark called to all the kids.

"Ooh, are you going to be speaking more Hebrew?"Maureen asked hopefully, sliding her chair over towards Mark.

"Uh, no..."he said, edging away a little.

"I made all the corrections on my paper. It's one hundred percent correct now,"Julia informed Mark.

"Good for you, Julia,"Mark replied casually. She frowned.

"Doesn't that mean I'm the best in the class?"she demanded.

"Now Julia, none of you are the _best_..."Mark began.

"Oh don't play dumb with me. That's not true, and you know it. There's always one kid who's smarter than all the rest. And that's me..._right_?"Julia asked. Fearing for his life, Mark nodded.

"Of course, Julia..."he squeaked, backing away a little. That's when he noticed that the three other girls hadn't returned to their seats. "Hey! Girls! Come back to your seats, break is over!"

"Roger said we could sit here,"Jen said.

"Girls, I–wait, Roger _what_?"

"He said we could sit here for the rest of class!"

"Roger?"Mark said questioningly, turning to his best friend. Roger shrugged, holding up the turkey sandwich he had gained from the bargain.

"It was for food, Mark,"he said. Mark sighed.

"Fine, you girls can sit there...as long as you promise to pay attention,"he said.

"We will!"Sarah assured him, as the girls giggled happily.

"Okay...is everyone back in there seats?"Mark asked, looking around the classroom. Everyone seemed to be sitting back down in their places. "Good. Now I thought we'd finish up the class today by summing up just what exactly you all know about your religion."Julia's hand shot up immediately.

"Judaism started back in-"

"No! Julia! All of you need to contribute one thing, not just you speaking for the whole class,"Mark explained. Julia looked around the classroom, then back at Mark.

"You really think they're going to be able to tell you _anything_? They probably don't even know why they're _here_,"she snapped.

"Well, we're going to make them start thinking about that,"Mark replied. "Now, I want you all to write down one fact you know about-"

"Ew, more writing?"Angel cried out suddenly, pulling her face away from Collins' upon hearing Mark's instructions.

"Yeah. What's wrong with that?"Mark asked.

"Well, I don't know about these guys, but I never learned anything from just _writing _all the time,"Angel explained, marching up to the front of the classroom.

"My college students don't even like writing,"Collins agreed, joining Angel and Mark in front of the class.

"The only writing I remember enjoying in high school was the kind I did with spray paint on the walls outside!"Maureen laughed.

"Well what else are we supposed to do? You can't exactly teach religion visually,"Mark pointed out.

"Of course you can! Instead of having the kids write down silly notes, why not have them actually explain what they know to some non-Jewish people?"Angel suggested. Mark hesitated a moment.

"_What_ non-Jewish people, Angel?"he asked, nudging Angel. She rolled her eyes.

"Oh please Mark, I think they can tell we're not Jewish by now,"she said.

"Yeah. We're not _stupid_,"Julia had to add in.

"Whoa...you're not Jewish?"Porter asked, shocked by this news. Angel sighed.

"Well, you always get a few who are a little slow on the uptake..."she said. "Hey! Class! Guess what? WE'RE NOT JEWISH!"

"Not even Mark?"Jen asked skeptically.

"Well, Mark is. But the rest of us aren't!"Angel called out. "Okay, good, now that we've got that out in the open...it's time for you kids to teach us all a little bit about your religion."

"Aren't _you_ supposed to be teaching _us_?"Tim asked.

"No. _Mark_ is! And he wants to see what you all know. So you're going to tell _us_ what _you_ know, okay?"Angel explained. The kids seemed to like this idea.

"We want to teach Roger!"Jen, Sarah and Laura all chimed.

"I call Maureen!"Porter yelled.

"Fine, then I get Mimi!"John declared.

"Harry and I get dibs on Collins,"Larry called quickly.

"Aw man...then I take the lawyer lady!"Tim insisted.

"And you get me!"Angel said, patting Jay's head as he stared up at her nervously.

"So that leaves me with Mark,"Julia said, an evil grin spreading across her face. Mark moaned, and Collins patted him on the back.

"Have fun with Satan, Mark,"he teased. And he went off to join Harry and Larry.

* * *

"...and Abraham was the prophet who first spoke to God,"Porter was explaining to Maureen. 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...who's this Abraham guy? Whatever happened to Jesus?"Maureen asked.

"Jesus was the prophet for Christianity,"Porter replied.

"But you guys told me Jesus was Jewish!"Maureen insisted.

"He _was_. Catholicism came after Jesus died. He was Jewish when he was alive,"Porter explained. Maureen stared at him in shock.

"Wow...do they tell you all this in the Bible?"

* * *

"...and that's when they made the Covenant with God!"Jen finished the story she and the other girls had explained to Roger. 

"Did you like the story, Roger?"

"Did we have good facts, Roger?"

"Do you think we did a good job, Roger?"Roger stared at the three girls.

"...what the fuck's a covenant?"

* * *

"So you're telling me that you're this 'Chosen People' because some guy made a covenant with God?"Mimi asked John. 

"Uh huh,"John replied, nodding.

"How do you know the guy wasn't just some wack-job who was hearing voices or something?"Mimi questioned.

"Because that's part of our faith. We believe that Abraham talked to God,"John said.

"Well, do you have proof?"Mimi demanded.

"You don't need proof. That's the point of religion,"John pointed out. Mimi nodded.

"Huh...I should try this religion stuff some time."

* * *

"So, how would you pronounce this?"Joanne had decided to go along with whatever Maureen's crazy plan was, and try to learn some Hebrew. 

"Oh, that's _ch_,"Tim helped. "That word, _chai-im_, means life."

"Really? You mean, you can actually read this, and understand it?"Joanne asked.

"Yeah. We've been learning it since we were kids,"Tim said, nodding.

"Wow...you're not as dumb as I thought!"Joanne announced. Tim frowned...and shrugged, deciding to take that as a compliment.

* * *

"I just don't get it,"Collins was saying to Harry and Larry. "Why wear tiny little hats that don't fit on your heads?" 

"They're yarmulkes!"Harry said.

"Yeah, I know what they _are_. But why do you wear them?"Collins asked. Both boys stopped, pondering this.

"...we just _do_,"Larry invented.

"Yeah!"Harry added enthusiastically. Collins sighed.

"Looks like you two have a bit more to learn."

* * *

"So _that's_ why you guys only bother to read the Old Testament and not the new one! I always just thought the rabbi's were feeling lazy,"Angel remarked. 

"No. We don't believe Jesus was the son of God, so we don't read the stories about him,"Jay replied. He had become much more comfortable with Angel as they talked.

"Well, you learn something new every day!"Angel cried. "So...what's the story behind that flat bread stuff?"

* * *

"Mark? Mark, are you listening to me?"Julia snapped angrily, waving her hand in front of Mark's face. He was leaning his face on his hand, eyes half closed as Julia babbled on and on about the entire history of every Jewish tradition ever. 

"Huh? Oh yeah...of course I was,"he muttered, stifling a yawn. Julia glowered at him.

"You were falling asleep,"she growled.

"Well, Julia, no offense but...I _know_ this stuff already,"Mark pointed out.

"Fine. Then I'll teach you things you _don't_ know about,"Julia replied. Mark frowned.

"I went through this exact same course. Good luck trying to find something I haven't learned about,"he said. Julia glared at Mark for a moment...and then an evil grin spread across her face. She reached into her bag and pulled out a rather large book, slamming it down on the desk.

"Here's something I bet you haven't read,"she said smugly. Mark looked at the cover. It read 'The Entire Woman's Guide to Jewish Life'. His eyes widened as Julia grinned and opened the book to chapter one...

"Fuck,"Mark muttered. "Uh, you know, I think it's about to wrap up these discussions!"

* * *

"I never really noticed how much I actually knew about this before!"Porter exclaimed, as they all settled back down into their seats. 

"Yeah, me too!"John agreed.

"Well, that's good. It looks like you all got something out of this!"Mark said happily.

"What's a yarmulke for?"Harry and Larry asked. Mark stopped.

"...I take that back. It looks like _most_ of you got something out of this."

"I'm actually kind of excited for this Bar Mitzvah thing now,"Jay admitted.

"Really?"Mark asked, surprised.

"Yeah. I mean, it's not so bad,"Jay said. Some of the other boys nodded in agreement.

"Roger's inspired us to follow our religion!"Jen announced, gazing up at Roger, who scowled around the room at them all. Mark frowned.

"...he _has_?"he asked.

"Yeah!"the girls all chimed together.

"Wow Roger. You have more power than you thought,"Mark teased. Roger glared and threw a crumpled up paper ball at his friend's head.

"What will we be doing to wrap up the class, Mark? A quiz?"Julia asked hopefully.

"No, not a quiz,"Mark replied. "I think I have a better idea..."

* * *

At 5:00 in the evening, Lorraine came into the room to find Roger sitting on a desk in the center of the room, playing his guitar as the kids danced around him, singing in Hebrew. Maureen and Angel were also dancing and attempting to sing along, and Mimi was sitting with Roger, clapping her hands along to the beat, as Collins skipped around outside the circles, screaming out 'Hey!' and jumping up onto the furniture, trying to get Joanne to join in. Mark was trying to pick up the scriptures that Collins had knocked down as Lorraine came over to him. 

"It looks like your friends are enjoying the class!"she screamed over the singing and the music. Mark jumped a little, and turned around.

"Oh! Uh, yeah. Yeah, they are!"he replied, nodding. "Is class over already?"

"It is! I'm so sorry, I wish it was longer!"Lorraine said apologetically.

"Oh no! It was just long enough. _Trust me_..."Mark insisted.

"Did the kids enjoy the class?"Lorraine asked.

"They seemed to,"Mark shrugged.

"Oh, wonderful! I just knew they'd love you!"Lorraine said, going to pinch Mark's cheek again, but he pulled away.

"Yeah, great, super! So, I guess we're done here, huh?"he asked quickly.

"Yes, yes! CHILDREN!"Lorraine screeched. Roger stopped playing, and the kids stopped singing and dancing. Collins tripped over a chair, falling to the ground with a _thud_. "Class is over children! Your parents are all waiting for you outside!"The kids all groaned as they grabbed their bags and their papers. Lorraine looked shocked.

"They're _groaning_! They usually come out of here _cheering_!"she cried. The kids all waved and called good-bye to the bohemians as they left.

"Bye guys! Thanks!"Porter and Tim called.

"I can't wait to tell my friends at the other temple about you guys!"John said excitedly.

"BYE COLLINS!"Harry and Larry chimed in unison.

"Bye Angel,"Jay said. Angel gave Jay one of her pinky waves...which he returned, grinning.

"Bye Roger!"Jen, Sarah and Laura all giggled, waving at Roger frantically.

"Uh...bye,"Roger muttered, offering a small wave.

"Bye guys!"Mimi called, waving back. The girls stopped, all shooting her one last glare before leaving. Julia popped up before Mark suddenly, as he waved to the others from the door.

"AH!"Mark shrieked, jumping a little. Julia held out her small hand, in a very business-like fashion.

"It was nice working with you, Cohen,"she said, as Mark shook her hand carefully. "Of course, you could use some work...but you were certainly an improvement on the last few ninnies we've scared out of here. Nice job."

"Uh...thank you?"Mark said awkwardly. Julia nodded, and marched out the door. Lorraine came running back over, wrapping Mark into a huge hug.

"Oh Mark, you and your friends were such a success! I've never seen the children so happy!"she cried.

"Uh...that's great,"Mark replied. "Glad we could help."

"Oh, I can't wait until next year's class get's to meet you all!"Lorraine squealed, running back out the door excitedly. Mark froze, eyes wide, jaw dropped.

"_Next year_?"he repeated. His friends had all surrounded him, looking just as shocked.

"Good luck with that, Mark."

"You're on your own, Cohen."

"Sorry Mark...we don't love you _that_ much."And his friends were all out the door in a flash. Mark sighed.

"They always turn on the scrawny Jewish kid..."

* * *

**THE END. Yeah, pretty pointless, I know. All my creativeness has fled from me! But hey, I never promised any deep meanings to this whole thing!...okay, so I promised a point, but we got one across!...somewhere in there...I'm _sure_ a point got across to _someone_...Anyways, thanks for putting up with this and reading it all the way through. Much love to my poor readers!**


End file.
